I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
