Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
