ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
