He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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