my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
