Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
