SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize