I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
