lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize