I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Randomize
