im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
