i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
So vagazzling was a success
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
