Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
The best revenge is premature balding
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
