Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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