Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize