when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
