dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
