my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
