Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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