she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize