My girlfriend figured out who you are.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The air was thick with penises
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
