Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
