who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
