she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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