I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
