your thong is hanging out like whoa
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Come share oat with me in your robe
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
