you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
