On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
