I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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