i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
