You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
