Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
