wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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