thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
