she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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