Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize