took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
