You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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