your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
sarcasm needs its own font
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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