Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
