Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
