I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
