We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
