and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
