About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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