last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
