Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
