my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
