I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
