For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
