Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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