Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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