I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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