all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
