How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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