never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
