College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
