He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
