that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
