I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
