let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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