Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
