you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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