He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
