They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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