Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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